Humble Hookup: “Fuck being the bootycaller, I want to be the bootycalled.”

Data Enthusiast: ”I feel like Amazon knows more about me than my parents do.”

Noble Romantic: “I’ve never ’smash’–ed in my life. I’ve only made love.”

... and Her Friend: “I would be more convinced by ‘fuck me like a hog’ than ‘made love.'“

Honest Stoner: “I’ll be honest with you, I come to your class high a lot.”

Folklore Prof: “Who would want me in a porno? That’s really gross.” 

VP Pharmacologist: "I couldn't fall asleep so I snorted some shit real fast. I don't like NyQuil, it knocks me out too much."

ParTy Prof: “There was one student I really wanted to go to a rave and do Molly with...” 

4/20 Enthusiast: “What if someone asked for a heavier...instead of a lighter.”

Uninvited Onlooker: "Whose bat mitzvah is that? Oh, it's SDT formal.”

Confused Gay: “How does the clitoris work? I’ve seen it in a porn.”

Parent taking photo of Baby Quaker: “Smile and say ‘tuition!!'”