Lowbrow
Lowbrow Lifestyle: "Only Catheter Stands Between College Junior and Completely Immobile Utopia"
Every college student has one of those lazy Saturdays.
Lowbrow Lifestyle: Your Dirty Clothes Look Fine, Just Febreeze that Shit and Go
After a stressful week of exams, College sophomore Alvin Kaplan was all set for a fun evening out on the town—but something was holding him back. Alvin had run out of clean clothes. “I got out of the shower, and that’s when it hit me,” Alvin said.
Lowbrow Presents: Wharton Senior’s Interview Went Really Well, Thanks For Asking
MCNEIL BUILDING—At 1:45 p.m.
Lowbrow Presents: Parents Desperate for a New Lie To Tell Friends After Disappointing Son Remains Unemployed
The parents of Karl Deely, a College senior majoring in urban studies, are finding themselves at a loss when asked by friends what their son will be doing upon graduation. “Getting his life together, hopefully,” Karl’s father, Samuel Deely, used to joke.
Lowbrow Presents: Whartonite Overwhelmed By Too Many Job Offers
PHILADEPHIA—Senior Rebecca Goldsmith is in a state of panic today after “yet another” job offer has filled her inbox. Goldsmith, a Wharton student concentrating in Finance, reportedly “nailed” every single interview during OCR, all 82 of them. “I just didn’t plan on it going like this!
16 Surefire Ways to Nail the Interview
1. Aggressively avoid eye contact. 2. Sweat profusely. No undershirts. (Undershirts are meant to cover up the fact that you have no spine.) 3.
Such Concerns We’re Having
Dear The Daily Pennsylvanian, Hello.
Report: World Rests Easy After College Sophomore Solves Israeli–Palestinian Conflict
JERUSALEM—After publishing a few opinion pieces in The Daily Pennsylvanian, College sophomore George Aaronow has stunned the world by bringing peace to the Levant. Israelis and Palestinians alike rejoiced, linking arms and shouting to the heavens in rapturous jubilation upon reading George’s editorials.
Professor Devastated After Oft-Missing Student Drops Class
PHILADELPHIA—“Introduction to Geology” professor Graham Stone was stunned yesterday after a student with a “spotty at best” attendance record dropped his intro–level rocks class. “It was the start of a normal Tuesday for me, when I logged on to Blackboard only to realize that my class count had gone from 157 to 156.
Lowbrow Report: Engineering junior’s ever–expanding small talk repertoire now includes “Breaking Bad”
PHILADELPHIA—Fans of Walt, Hank and Jesse now have a new friend to talk to.
Lowbrow Report: Sister’s Snub Seems Likely to Split Sorority
LOCUST WALK—A Penn campus sorority is in shambles after what sorority president could only call “an unprecedented disaster.” This past Sunday, an emergency chapter meeting took place at the Delta Delta Delta house to discuss the sorority’s future after Tri Delta sister–for–life Tonya Stein–Dietrich reportedly snubbed fellow sister–for–life, Jessica Hunstman. At Sunday’s emergency caucus, the first in Tri Delta’s 127–year history, Huntsman accused Stein–Dietrich of “blatantly ignoring” what Huntsman described at the stand as a “very cheerful and extremely heartfelt good morning.” “I was walking to Van Pelt via Locust, enjoying not only the fresh air, but also the campus buzz, when I unexpectedly spotted a fellow sister walking toward me,” Huntsman stated on the record to a divided chapter house. “I was filled with pure delight to see her, especially after Tonya and I made eye contact not more than a few seconds later.
Lowbrow Report: Report: College Freshman’s Sense of Self-Worth Moves from Eighth to Seventh Place
THE QUAD—Following a series of substantial changes to her rankings methodology, College Freshman Claire now finds herself in seventh place, consistent with the 2012 rankings of herself. This year marked a notable shift from years past in its focus on outcome measures from peers as opposed to personal development.
Freshman Superlatives 2013
ZACH Come with me to the dark side.
Shoutouts Spring 2013 Part Three
To blonde girls: Where are you?! —Disappointed exchange student To an AXO: I can say no. To Tyga: The University of Pennsylvania might not be your biggest fan, but somewhere a school called Penn University loves you. To the beautiful SDT sophomore I met at Shabbat dinner: Shut up.
Shoutouts Spring 2013 Part Two
To the Tier Three Fraternities: Must be nice up there. Love, Castle. To the Tier Four Fraternities: Must be nice up there.
Shoutouts Spring 2013 Part One
To my orgo lab TA: We all know your girlfriend excites your carbonyl group, but how bout you wait ‘til after class to show it? To the manager of Williams Cafe: I like you just like my coffee—tall, steaming hot and full of cream. To the freshman boy who tried to get with me this Fling: You had a booger in your nose, so you can blow yourself. To the Theos boy who probably wrote most of these cruel Shoutouts: Do you realize how much time you’re wasting writing this?
Lowbrow Presents: Fling Themes
This year is the 40th anniversary of Fling, thus the theme “40 Years of Fling.” Here are some of the other themes they were considering.
Spring Fling for any Climate
Rainy Fall Freakishly Hot Arctic
