Lowbrow
An op-ed on birthdays
1. You are not entitled to be angry at people who forget to wish you a happy birthday. When people forget to wish you a happy birthday, it's for a reason: they were never your friend to begin with. 2.
Word of the Week
Vestihibitionism definition: the flirtatious display of undergarments by a woman Ex. Dennis Rodman, "Yo, whodi, it is mad brik in here.
7 reasons not to vote for the UA
7. You'll be graduating soon. Do you really think that any so-called improvements will actually benefit you? 6.
Thing of the Week
The Package Saver Ever wonder why there is a circular plastic tripod in the center of your pizza?
Work of the Week: Brick
pronunciation: brik definition: cold, meteorologically speaking Ex. St. Patrick, "I said a Brrr.
Thing of the Week: Aglet
Ever wondered what that little plastic thingie at the end of a shoelace is called? Well now you know ... cause knowledge is power!
Thing of the week
Dreamcatchers* These ancient Indian crafts hang over your bed and use the power of the spirits to protect you from bad dreams.
Word of the week
One pronunciation: (WON) definition: Short for "one love,", it is an expression of deep wishes of goodwill from one whodi to another Ex. Rutherford B.
The olympic spirit: is it in you?
You know you're destined for the following Winter Olympic sports if: Male Figure Skating -- You prance around in your mother's clothing doing interpretive dance only to later purge your sins using her bidet. Male Ice Dancing -- The one adjective people use to describe you is FIERCE. Women's Ice Hockey -- You're distantly related to Becky "the Icebox" O'Shea. Men's Ice Hockey -- You're from a country where people have last names like "Khabibulin" that are actually pronounced like "HAV-ee-BOO-lin." Cross Country Skiing -- You say California like Arnold Schwarzenegger and celebrate folklore of the Holy Roman Empire. Male Doubles Luge -- You enjoy nestling your head in other men's swamp nuts.
Penn Inspired Olympic Events
Bullet Dodging: Teams sprint up and down in front of the 7-11 on 38th Street, trying to dodge bullets fired by local West Philadelphians.
New olympic sports
Human curling -- Just like actual curling, except instead of that weird iron-on-a-piece-of-rock thing, you use midgets. Make yellow snow and eat it -- It means eat your own pee!
Word of the week
apodyopsis pronunciation: (AH-po-dye-AHP-sis) function: noun definition: the act of mentally undressing someone. Ex. Buffalo Bill: "Damn, whodi.
Video Library's Top Ten Most Checked-Out Movies This Week
1. Elizabethtown 2. Lord of War 3. Waiting... 4. In Her Shoes 5.
February Fury: The Real Tournament of Champions
Round One: HULK VS THE THING In a battle of the big, ugly strong guys, The Thing slips some codeine into The Hulk's Gatorade, waits for him to relax and then crushes his puny human form.
Street Beats
Kansas court blocks abortion records access. The censored LPs include: Red Hot Chili Preggers, Wu Tang Coathanger, Blink-182-days-since-my-last-cycle and Destiny's Fetus. Steelers beat Seahawks, 21-10. PA sighs relief that it didn't blow yet another Super Bowl. Egyptian ferry carrying 1,400 passengers sinks in Red Sea. Moses, M.I.A., had been delayed at airport security checkpoint. Vaccine against diarrhea-causing-virus is approved. Alternative to vaccine also emerges: don't eat at College Buffet. Vet building at Penn nears completion. Local collie develops psychosomatic fleas in anticipation. Penn puts on production of The Vagina Monologues: Feb 15th and 17th at 8 p.m.
Shoutouts
To the guy that jerked off during finals last year in the Rosengarten bathroom: I was in the next stall, you sick fuck.
Grammy predictions
The 48th Annual Grammy Awards roll around this Wednesday, and although the Grammys seem to mean less and less each year, we thought we'd give you our predictions.
Super bowl for dummies
We understand that football is not everyone's cup of tea, so here are some fail-safe phrases to mask the fact that you know absolutely shit about football. When They Say... "I bet Hines Ward is going to go off for over 100 yards." "I enjoy watching Hines Ward excel at the game that he plays." "Ten bucks says Roethlisberger can't keep his completion percentage at 63%." "I am a big fan of completion percentages.
That Kid
You know, that kid in your class who... ...is unmistakably a native speaker of the language which you are studying, but for some reason still enjoys taking the class and listening to foolish Americans consistently screw up his native language.
