1. Music: Pick a soundtrack that’ll get you in the sexy mood. Ska is really good for this.
  2. Hip–to–waist ratio: Make sure that when you divide your waist size by your hip size you get exactly the golden ratio. If your ratio isn’t on point, don’t even bother. No one gives a shit about silver or bronze at the Olympics either. 
  3. Smile: Don’t show your teeth. Teeth aren’t sexy.
  4. Dress: You should dress to imply that you're a freak in the sheets and also in the streets.
  5. Wrists: ALWAYS expose your wrists. They emit pheromones, so basically wrists=sex magnets. Bonus points if you can shoot webs from them. Sex webs.  
  6. Noodles: Slurp them. Historically, female noodle slurping habits correlate with strong birthing hips.
  7. Ti–89s: Avoid! Do calculators seem sexy to you?
  8. Kegels: Do them constantly. If you’re not kegeling while reading this you’re not committed to being sexy.
  9. Scurvy: Try not to get scurvy, but if you do, don’t whine about it.
  10. Concepts: Understand that like conjunctivitis, sexy is in the eye of the beholder. If you feel sexy then you are sexy. Being awkward in leather and lace is not nearly as sexy as being confident in sweatpants. Be comfortable, and you will be sexy. Mic drop.


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