Maybe it was from the moment you laid eyes on the three dingy walls (read: cubicle) that would enclose you for 40 hours a week. Or maybe it was when you had to reorganize excel sheets for the 100th time. But it's official, you hate your internship. Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one. According to Career Services, internships only sound beneficial though just take up your time and give the company free labor.* At the most, you may learn what you DON'T want to do in the future. Hoping you will achieve at least that, here are 10 more ways to ensure you learn everything you are not supposed to do professionally. If your work is going to waste, it might as well get you fired.
- Blame everyone else: First off, you have to have the right mentality. Don’t even think you could be contributing to your unhappiness with your job. It’s not your fault that you applied for it and that you never have enough to do. It’s your boss's fault, your coworkers’ fault and the company’s fault. They suck.
- Be a freeloader: Alright, the one thing that isn’t so sucky about your internship is all the free stuff that comes with it. We are talking free printing, free coffee, free staples. Use. It. Up. Come September when you are deteriorating in Van Pelt, trying to jam a dollar bill into the machine so you can print your damn essay, you are going to miss those unlimited copies. So hit “Command P” for anything you might need, no matter how personal or unnecessary. Hoard office supplies. Devise a plan to get compensation for lunch or a “business trip.” Will this take up time? Exactly.
- Play Pokemon GO in the office: Speaking of time, you reached the point of apathy and antipathy where your biggest concern is not how are you going to save time but how you are going to waste it between 9 to 5. Go mainstream and find some Pokemons. If anyone questions why you are aimlessly walking about, remind them that sitting is bad for you, you're still learning the layout of the building and/or as the youngest person here, you have to play to keep the company socially relevant.
- Ask for a raise: You may be young (and only an intern) though that doesn’t mean you aren’t smarter than everyone else. After a month or two of you slaving for free, now’s the time for them to recognize your worth and pay up. For reference, ask your colleagues how much they make and then tell your boss you should earn more. It's good to set the bar high and be ungracious in these situations.
- Become passive-aggressive: Don’t just be directly assertive, see how far you can go with hostile comments and a resentful attitude before getting the can (this seriously is good to know for future positions.) You want this project done? Sure, I can do it if you actually gave me enough time. You want me to get you coffee? Should we try the non-fat? Did we forget to mention how good you will feel once you start passively leaking out your frustrations?
- Go off (anonymously): Depending on the industry, you may be able to dole out even more anger anonymously. If working for some sort of publication, send a letter to the editor, signed by a pseudo name of course. Use your insider perspective and attack all of the company’s weaknesses, not being specific enough that they can guess it’s you. If letters to the editor are not an option, troll their Facebook and Twitter with a fake account. Writing has never felt so satisfying.
- Gossip: Before there were networking events, copy room gossip brought coworkers together. Embrace your inner hipster and bring back the vintage past time, pulling in your social media stalking skills to fuel the fire. Start dishing to a couple comrades and then expand your circle of trust. You won’t be here much longer, so no employee or topic is off limits.
- Hook up with that semi-hot coworker: Just do it already.
- Send a handwritten note: The most important thing to do before ending an internship is write a thank-you note. In this case, make it an honest letter. Slam, diss, reveal. Describe everything you hated, the secrets you now know and how much cooler you are than them all. If your workplace does face-to-face evaluations, only make this same message more graphic.
- Change your career path: In all seriousness, take these last 40 hour weeks as a warning of what you shouldn't be doing for the rest of your life. What did your hate the most? Was it the work, the environment, the people? Figure that out and identify what will make you happy in the professional world. If a real salary won’t do it, find a new title.
*Career services did not say this.