The human race has taken some major L’s in the past few weeks, but on Wednesday it looked like the tide may finally be turning.
Her Royal Highness Queen of All That Is Good Blessed Be She Beyonce Knowles announced that she is pregnant with twins. The news brought some hope to a global population that has been reeling. Former President Barack Obama released a statement saying “This is the best thing to happen since me.” Street reached out to God for a comment and he told us, “I realized I’ve been kind of a dick lately, so I thought I’d do something nice. I needed to do some serious rebranding.”
It looks like his strategy worked. In the hours since the announcement, Conservative Aunts on Facebook and Bernie Bros alike have been posting about their excitement. “I finally have something on my feed that isn’t triggering,” said a Wharton junior with a “Love trumps hate” sticker on her laptop. Even That One Facebook Friend Who Criticizes Everything has made no public announcements. One senior explained why Beyonce’s pregnancy meant so much to him: “I’ve been feeling pretty pessimistic about the future. Like I just want to crawl into a hole. But now I have something to work for. I want the future to be good for them,” he said, gesturing towards Beyonce’s baby bump. Another senior said that it has already mended broken relationships: “I have this one friend who I haven’t spoken to since he said La La Land was a tired cliché. But I am no longer capable of feeling anger.”
The development appears to already have affected federal policy. President Trump has announced that he will be redirecting funds allocated towards building a border wall to a massive shrine devoted to Beyonce, which will be located on the moon. Construction is set to start later this year.
Photo from Creative Commons.