The Compass

The Compass was actually the first frisbee used in a game of "Ultimate." When the University was founded, they had nary a tool to produce efficient flying discs; thus, they had to construct this one out of marble. With one toss, it ceased to exist as an object of great mirth, as it conveniently lodged itself into the ground. Interestingly enough, the hole into which the compass lodged itself was originally planned to be a naked pudding-wrestling pit. Go figure.

Franklin Field

The long and illustrious history of Franklin Field is as interesting as it is boring. Following the massacre of the Cleveland Indians in 1723, mountaineer and registered Unitarian Sfen Sfenson founded the first nudist colony, Jamisontown, where he and his followers could play naked bingo without persecution. The colony soon fell upon hard times, though, due in part to the Russo-Martian War of 1609 and a lack of strong leadership. Sfenson spent most of his time alone, huffing gold paint and listening to Sisqo's Unleash the Dragon. As a consequence, Franklin Field was constructed some time later for football.

The Dueling Tampons

In 1960, three friends met at their 25-year college reunion. As the successful graduates reminisced, one of them suddenly had an idea. Mr. Harnwell said to Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Harrison, "You know, all three of our last names start with "H'. We should build three identical highrises and name them after ourselves." Mr. Hamilton responded, "That's great, but let's put them in close proximity, too!" Mr. Harrison added, "Yeah, and let's make sure that the elevators never work!" Fifteen years later, the university built a huge red statue of two bloody tampons to honor the highrises because nothing else made sense.

Ben Franklin Bench

Before the days of Greek tomfoolery, Ben's famous pose was used for more than a urine receptacle. In fact, his bronze figure was used for worship. When the first immigrants left Egypt for Philadelphia, they were forced to leave behind their well-tested methods of mummification. They soon discovered that the best replacement was bronzing. Little did they know that bronzing has the same effects as cryogenic freezing. Prediction: In the year 2056, Ben will be debronzed just in time to invent "the Internet." When told Al Gore beat him to it, he will be sad.

The Button

The Button was in fact the hardest button to button, so it was just discarded at the library.


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