To South Padre Island, Cabo, Cancun and the Bahamas: screw you, I'm going to Disney World.
This is not to say those are the only other options. As the Ego section points out this week, there are plenty of local places to go to quickly and at little expense. Alternative Spring Breaks are a solid choice as well -- you can actually have fun doing something constructive and charitable.
But only at Disney World can you go to Typhoon Lagoon, Aerosmith's Rock 'n' Rollercoaster and, of course, Pleasure Island.
This is what I long for.
Ever since that episode of Full House where the Tanners travel to Orlando's finest have I loved the Magic Kingdom. While I could never be princess for the day like Michelle (curses!), I could meet Mickey Mouse, Chip and Dale and Goofy (a.k.a. God) and get their autographs. Unfortunately, I could also meet Eeyore, that depressed bitch-donkey, or the Sheriff of Nottingham, who stole my wallet. Seriously.
Now that I'm going back on a trip during which I will turn 21, I naturally wonder whether I'm too old for this. Should I be kicking it with Mickey when I could be searching for the orgy-of-choice in Cancun? Should I ride the Pirates of the Caribbean when I could be drinking with pirates, in the Caribbean? Should I buy cap-guns from the general store when I should be buying shots of Cuervo?
Ultimately, I shunt aside these questions in favor of the usual liberal guiltism: should I be having any fun when so many people are dying?
Fuck it, I'm going to Disney World.
I will ride the Thunder Mountain Railroad, even though people die on it. I will eat corn on the cob with Robin Hood, and then I will woo Maid Marian. I will experience pleasure at Pleasure Island.
I will not help anyone on this trip, but I'm OK with that. It's gonna be a festivus in the big O, and you're all invited.
- Jim
