Freud once said, "Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average." Nowhere is that more clear than on Penn's great libidinal playground, Locust Walk. It's the place to see and be seen, for unapologetic exhibitionism and unchecked aggression. In short: flyering for campus organizations. So as temperatures and skirt lengths rise, Ego helps you make it through this paper minefield in half the time - and with half the psychic trauma.
BEHAVIOR: Joyfully Takes
All Fliers
Primary Diagnosis: Unresolved feelings towards the father.
Exhibits a deep need for physical fulfillment, most likely due to a poor relationship with the father. In constant need of reassurance and approval. Searches for love and gratification, even if only momentary. Feels loved when s/he accepts fliers - for one moment, s/he is the savior: the first person to accept a flier in ten minutes of rudeness and dejection. Has physical relations so that people will like him/her, e.g. freshmen from Hill, juniors from high rises.
BEHAVIOR: Passively Fails to
Receive Any Fliers
Primary Diagnosis: Perfectionist, overactive superego.
Usually looking down, wearing sunglasses; listening to iPod; talking (or pretending to talk) on cell phone. Often all three at the same time. May be having imaginary conversations or looking at a nonexistent source of amusement in order to avoid eye contact with flier distributors. Low self-esteem masquerading as aloofness and confidence, e.g. sophomore sorority sisters, Wharton men with Napoleon complexes, bulimic Communications majors.
BEHAVIOR: Aggressively Rejects
Fliers
Primary Diagnosis: Arrested development in anal stage, psychopathic tendencies.
Hatred for all fun. Lack of empathy. Has no need for interpersonal relationships; can go for long periods of time without sustained human contact. Has no pity for the students who are "stupid" enough to get involved in something that would require them to make such fools of themselves. Blatantly rejects offered fliers and invitations, often through verbal or even physical abuse of the offeror. May use profane language. Develops no social obligations. Probably is "too cool." Lived in the Quad freshman year in a single; lacks things like a freshman year roommate in Strictly Funk, has no close friends involved in Dzine2Show. Also, Senior Associates - they are much too old to put up with some pimply 18-year-old breakdancing up in their shit.
BEHAVIOR: Fearfully Offers/Withholds Fliers
Primary Diagnosis: Castration anxiety and/or penis envy.
Embarrassed by role as flier-distributor, ashamed of dependent role. Cannot or will not actively promote him/herself; cannot successfully bequeath fliers to peers, e.g. new initiates. May mask this insecurity by pretending not to be concerned with the opinions of others and may act as though they do not care whether their fliers are accepted, e.g. Mask & Wig, Penn Dems.
BEHAVIOR: Forces Fliers on
Others with Manic Bent
Primary Diagnosis: Repressed childhood memories of isolation, middle child syndrome.
Has sublimated his/her anger towards the world through forced optimism and manic activity, e.g. Undergraduate Assembly, Nominations & Elections Committee. May augment presentation through song, dance, or costume, e.g. Arts House Dance Company, Ya'lla (the bellydancers). Shoves paper in the faces of others. May alienate and ostracize those who decline fliers; may project their insecurities onto others through veiled accusations, e.g. fraternity men inexperienced at philanthropic fundraising, e.g. "Hey you! Yeah, you hear me? Don't wanna give a dime to cancer? Whassamatter? You like cancer? You LOVE CANCER, don't you, you asshole!"
BEHAVIOR: Offers Food
Primary Diagnosis: Fixation with The Father.
Penn 4 Jesus. Can't even touch that.
