Walnut: This nut is wrinkly. Your soul is old. So is your penis.

Brazil Nut: Brazil nuts are smooth and oddly shaped. Are you both smooth and oddly shaped? Most likely.

Cashew: Curvy like cashews, you often go against the norm. You also resemble a snail.

Peanut: Peanuts are not actually nuts. They’re legumes. You, like peanuts, are pretending to be something you’re not.

Chestnut: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...arsonist.

Pecan: Just like the nut, you have a “can” do attitude. It’s unfortunate that things don’t work out often...or ever.

Almond: Almonds are hard, just like your heart.

Pine Nut: Pine nuts cost a lot. You have a Louboutin addiction.

Pistachio: You’re green with envy. You’ll never have Becky’s life. Give up now.

Hazelnut: You like Nutella don’t you and think you’re cool and hip? You’re not.