Girl on plane: Will you eat one of my vegan gluten-free pumpkin cupcakes?
20–year–old fuckboy on the subway: My little sister is low key smarter than me. I hate that bitch.
Betch getting a piggyback because her heels are painful: Ubers have gotten so foreign. If you want to go non-foreign, get a black car.
Owls kid to barista at United by Blue: You should make this cafe a club and make people reserve tables and put down spending minimums.