Job Title: Participant in the revival of a new–and–improved society

Position Type: Lifetime membership

Employer: The People’s Temple

Description: Looking for someone psychologically vulnerable with a stable income. You must have a willingness to follow orders and have a decent enough voice for ritualistic chanting (those with an ear for harmonies are highly encouraged to apply).

Job Title: Side Effect Tester

Position Type: Part–time job (hours will depend on severity of reactions)

Employer: Target

Description: Ingest cleaning products, experimental pharmaceuticals, face washes, lotions, toothpastes and rub all over skin and eyes when applicable in order to determine possible side effects for the rest of the population. Must be willing to experience permanent loss of sight, hearing, taste and sensation. Also death.

Job Title: Token fuckboy in front of the mirror at the gym

Position Type: Part–time job, but hours must be coordinated so that there’s at least one fuckboy at all times

Employer: Every Gym in America, but especially Pottruck Fitness Center

Description: Seeking boys who enjoy watching themselves lift in the mirror whilst wearing a cut–off tank and checking to see if anyone is watching them. Must be unopposed to making noises when pumping iron and must coordinate a seemingly complicated and secret handshake with the replacement fuckboy upon his arrival—butt–slapping and excessive use of “bro” is highly encouraged.

Job Title: Getaway Car Driver

Position Type: On–call job for any bank robbing opportunities that arise

Employer: To be disclosed upon acceptance of position

Description: Seeking those with vehicles equipped with tinted windows, untraceable plates and preferably bulletproof paneling. Driver must be able to accelerate quickly and abide by traffic laws once the escape has been made in order to decrease suspicion.

Job Title: Get Tested for STDs Spokesperson

Position Type: Summer Job

Employer: Get Tested

Description: Candidates must either have an STD or be willing to inform the general public that they do even if they don't. Job includes sharing personal anecdotes on television about how you contracted whatever variety of STD, what side effects were experienced and how long said side effects persisted.

Job Title: Organ Donor

Position Type: One or multiple time donor

Employer: Various buyers on the black market

Description: An exciting job fit for any warmhearted daredevil. Those interested must be in mid to excellent condition and willing to endure immense physical pain with no guarantee of sterilization or anesthetics. 


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