1. Your Roommates Will Steal Your Bananas
You cannot trust that goddamn transfer student that Residential Services assigned to live with you in your high–rise quad sophomore year when your fourth roommate decided to "live in her sorority house" for the "full sisterhood experience." Fuck you, Rachel. I don't have any bananas because of you.
2. The Best Time To Do Cartwheels on Campus
Is 5 a.m. in a high–rise rooftop lounge. There is nothing like doing a cartwheel while the sun rises in the company of a sad pre–med and a couple who came up there to have sex because they thought it would be empty, but instead, there you are doing cartwheels. A quintessential Penn experience.
3. Flyers Are A Path to Sainthood
Taking a certain number of flyers from sobbing students handing them out on Locust Walk actually qualifies you for sainthood in the Amy Gutmann Church of Prosperity and Business Consciousness. Which is also a real church here on campus, right behind the LGBT Center.
4. What Owls Brunch Actually Is
A feast on a boat where Penn students all rabidly vie to eat owl carcasses (eating owl carcass makes you smarter, duh) at 11 a.m. on a Saturday. Oh, and tickets to the feast cost as much as eight Chipotle burritos, so weigh your options, baby Quakes.
5. The Best Coffee On Campus
Is at a secret spot in the spooky, rarely–visited basement of Van Pelt. It’s called “Mark’s Cafe,” named after Mark Harmon, the star of NCIS, because Mr. Van Pelt really likes NCIS.
6. Best Way to Get On The Ivy League Snap Story
Literally murder someone on camera because they messed up the curve in BIOL121, then look directly into the camera and say, “I’d kill for a 4.0.” So fucking Ivy League.
7. The Coolest Restaurants
Are all along Baltimore! Just hop a Megabus to Washington, D.C., but get off at the first stop in the “White Marsh Shopping Center” just outside Baltimore. That shopping center has the coolest string of restaurants (not) in Philadelphia! A must–try for all Penn students.
8. What “The Scene” Means
“The Scene” is just a reference to that scene in The Sixth Sense when Haley Joel Osment admits to Bruce Willis that he can “see dead people.” So whenever anyone mentions “the scene” or “being sceney,” just wink and shout “I SEE DEAD PEOPLE.” This will get you invited to many cool parties.