Last Friday will forever be remembered as the day I entered the twenty–first century. On that day I ventured to 16th and Walnut Streets and bought myself an iPhone 7. My friends breathed a sigh of relief—now I could pass for a semi–functional human being. Before, I had an iPhone 5 named Brick. Brick wouldn't let me download apps or use Uber. Brick died whenever I was drunk, alone or in danger. During freshman Fling I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was at Qdoba with a suspicious soldier named Kegan and couldn't find my way back to King's Court. Brick flashed low battery as I waited for nine friends to come collect me. Brick died as I crouched behind a condiments counter hiding from my stalker.
What's past is past. I blocked Kegan and now own a rose gold iPhone 7 named Petunia.
Here are some of her many perks:
- Display: The iPhone 7 comes with a wide color retina HD display. I have no idea what that means but everything's much prettier and clearer.
- Bigger and better camera: Because selfies are the art form of our generation.
- More memory: To store all those selfies, duh.
- Improved battery life: The iPhone 7's battery lasts two hours longer than the iPhone 6's. Two more hours to beg your friends to pick you up from Qdoba.
- More efficient processor: You don't have to wait as long to refresh Instagram.
- Waterproofing and dust resistance: If you drop your phone in the Schuylkill and then take it to Coachella, it has a greater chance of survival.
- Sleeker design: Hotter than David and Victoria Beckham's children.
- It comes in jet black: Sceney.
- Better speakers: So when you're listening to Amine's Caroline on repeat you can hear every last word.
I’m against Apple’s constant need to change and upgrade. I don’t want my phone to get any bigger. I already have trouble fitting my iPhone 5S into my pocket. Phones contain an entire lifetime’s worth of information, so they should be durable, not built to break or built to become obsolete and replaced in a year. We don’t need to constantly update our technology. Apple makes so many changes each year. They were bound to run out of good ones.
Here are some of the new iPhone's many faults:
- No more headphone jack: Apple has removed the headphone jack in order to make way for a larger battery—an aggravating move that has resulted in some unfortunate consequences.
- Tiny adapter: If you want to use anything bedsides Apple headphones, you need this. As if you didn’t have enough trouble finding your headphones already, now there’s a tiny piece you need in order to use them.
- Stereo speakers: As if our ears aren’t assaulted with unwanted annoying pop music enough times a day. And wouldn’t using your phone at such a high volume just exhaust the battery even quicker? Defeating the purpose of getting rid of the headphone jack to make way for a larger battery? I'm just saying.
- Headphones that might as well not exist: In the time it’s taken me to read the words “iPhone 7”, I’ve already lost my headphones. And so have you. And so has Apple. And we’re never going to get them back. Yes, the new wireless AirPods (that you have to pay an extra $150 for) are never going to get tangled, but you’re also never going to see them. They’re just two tiny little pieces of plastic with nothing to tie them together. They’re not even anchored to your ear— won’t they just fall out? My headphones fall out of my ears every now and then but at least they’re connected to each other and to my phone—if an AirPod falls out there’s no knowing what’ll become of it. I can’t tell you how many times my headphones have saved my phone or iPod from plummeting to an unfortunate end. And did I mention you also have to keep charging the AirPods? Good luck, everyone!
- No home button: It's not a flat surface.
- Not really that water resistant: The Samsung Galaxy S7 is better. Take that, Apple.
(Ed. note: Notice how much longer the cons are).