In a press release this morning, President Amy Gutmann announced that Van Pelt will be torn down and replaced with a Trump Hotel and Golf Course.

The announcement came as a surprise, given that Van Pelt is the biggest and most popular library on campus. President Gutmann did not seem worried, though, stating, "Everyone downloads books illegally these days, anyway.” The hotel will be 25 stories tall with a rooftop pool. Every room will be equipped with KGB hidden cameras and full wiretapping technology. There are also plans to replace the statue of Benjamin Franklin with a gold–plated one of President Trump.

Several students burst into tears when asked to comment on this change. Some, however, looked forward to a new housing option on campus. “Don’t get me wrong—I love Domus, but this is so much more convenient. The whole student body will benefit,” a Wharton sophomore said. 

Is there anything students will miss about Van Pelt? The most common answers were “the 6th floor bathroom,” and “a reliable place to find Adderall." 

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons. 


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