Hit it: Summer Curfews

Quit it: Philly nightlife

Between the mandated curfew for 9–18 year–olds in Philly’s 18th police precinct and the overabundance of summer programs adding to the already–long list of infestations in the Quad, it seems like our beloved corner of the city is shutting down. Now that the Fourth has, as Julius Caesar once said, “veni, vidi, darty”, the party scene may flatline till NSO rears its drunken head this August. So for some of you degenerates, this July may be an opportune time to give your lungs and livers a long–overdue rest. On the bright side, fewer people are jostling for room at the Smokes’ bar. Highbrow will have two green tea shots, please.

Hit it: Short–sleeved dress shirts

Quit it: SABSing on Locust

Highbrow hates to be the one to break it to you, but the Frontera benches are currently a social dead zone. Sure, you might see that preternaturally skinny betch from your writing sem at Saxby’s once in awhile, but to reallllllly summer SABS (SSABS?), it’s best to snag that summer internship or job in NYC. If you’re here on campus, beat the Philly heat by wearing last year’s fling tank every day of the weekend (weekdays merit some Dwight Schrute–type dress shirts) You’re much more likely to meet your future Penn trophy spouse sipping frosé at Central Park or waiting in line at Lavo than anywhere in the 91014. And what good is summer if you’re not wearing your skimpiest outfit and trolling for trophy wives/husbands?

Hit it: OCR early action apps

Quit it: Sense of self–worth

It’s the most Wharton–full time of the year. Highbrow doesn’t have too much to say about this—it’s all been said before. Applications for summer analyst programs are open and Handshake is up (RIP, Pennlink, we’ll paper your grave with our resumés). We’re all in for a world of Bain come September—may the odds be ever in your favor.