Humor
Lowbrow Sit–Down: Freshman Fuck–Up Judy McIlwain
Lowbrow delivers the exclusive scoop that no one else wanted.
Overheard at Penn: 10.24.2013
Frat bro on Locust: See, if it didn’t have this logo, you might think I got it in Times Square.
Overheard at Penn: 10.17.2013
Girl in Starbucks: I just really want a Hermès Birkin bag. I like how they’re subtle.
Lowbrow Does Highbrow: The Round Up
Fall break is officially over and you know what that means: Amy Gutmann has seen her shadow, so it’s six more weeks of Owls gossip!
Lowbrow Does Highbrow: Overheard at Penn
Sorority girl: “Hi, how are you doing?” Ginger outside the Quad: “Hey, that looks heavy, do you need a hand with that?” Freshman: “I know we might not hang out as much next year, but I really enjoy my roommate’s company.” Frat Bro #1: “Did you have sex with Vanessa last night?” Frat Bro #2: “No, I think I need more of an emotional connection before I’m ready to be physically intimate with someone.
Lowbrow Lifestyle: "Only Catheter Stands Between College Junior and Completely Immobile Utopia"
Every college student has one of those lazy Saturdays.
Lowbrow Lifestyle: Your Dirty Clothes Look Fine, Just Febreeze that Shit and Go
After a stressful week of exams, College sophomore Alvin Kaplan was all set for a fun evening out on the town—but something was holding him back. Alvin had run out of clean clothes. “I got out of the shower, and that’s when it hit me,” Alvin said.
Overheard at Penn: 10.3.2013
AXO girl: Can we try and be scene–y for five minutes? Ginger outside of Pod: Freshman year we had a contest to find our ugliest friend on Facebook.
Lowbrow Presents: Wharton Senior’s Interview Went Really Well, Thanks For Asking
MCNEIL BUILDING—At 1:45 p.m.
Lowbrow Presents: Parents Desperate for a New Lie To Tell Friends After Disappointing Son Remains Unemployed
The parents of Karl Deely, a College senior majoring in urban studies, are finding themselves at a loss when asked by friends what their son will be doing upon graduation. “Getting his life together, hopefully,” Karl’s father, Samuel Deely, used to joke.
Lowbrow Presents: Whartonite Overwhelmed By Too Many Job Offers
PHILADEPHIA—Senior Rebecca Goldsmith is in a state of panic today after “yet another” job offer has filled her inbox. Goldsmith, a Wharton student concentrating in Finance, reportedly “nailed” every single interview during OCR, all 82 of them. “I just didn’t plan on it going like this!
16 Surefire Ways to Nail the Interview
1. Aggressively avoid eye contact. 2. Sweat profusely. No undershirts. (Undershirts are meant to cover up the fact that you have no spine.) 3.
Overheard at Penn: 9.26.2013
Betch 1: These are my “I don’t give a shit” pants. Betch 2: Yeah, I can tell.
Such Concerns We’re Having
Dear The Daily Pennsylvanian, Hello.
Report: World Rests Easy After College Sophomore Solves Israeli–Palestinian Conflict
JERUSALEM—After publishing a few opinion pieces in The Daily Pennsylvanian, College sophomore George Aaronow has stunned the world by bringing peace to the Levant. Israelis and Palestinians alike rejoiced, linking arms and shouting to the heavens in rapturous jubilation upon reading George’s editorials.
Professor Devastated After Oft-Missing Student Drops Class
PHILADELPHIA—“Introduction to Geology” professor Graham Stone was stunned yesterday after a student with a “spotty at best” attendance record dropped his intro–level rocks class. “It was the start of a normal Tuesday for me, when I logged on to Blackboard only to realize that my class count had gone from 157 to 156.
Overheard at Penn: 9.19.2013
Gay guy: I’ve been a SWUG since second semester freshman year.
