Girl: Well, when they inspected his body, it wasn’t that small.

Guy: My class held a mock election for president. Obama and Harry Styles tied for the winner. Oh, and for Vice President we chose Ronald Reagan.


Sorostitute: You had, like, a really good Twitter day yesterday


Bro: My girlfriend has been saying aca–awkward all the time. What does that mean?


Girl 1: Where are you going for spring break?

Girl 2: I’m going to Antigua, I don’t even know where it is.