That Hummus Grill Checkout Guy: "You mean you don't want a log of beef in your pita?"

Legally Changed His Name to Hoagiefest: "I was already stealing from Wawa, but now they just do it for me and give me free stuff."

Mask & Wig Frosh: "The grocery boy character is homophobic, and I didn't realize that until it was too late."

Pam Lampitt (Look It Up): "People see the words 'Penn Dining' and think health code violations."

Johnny Appleseed, The Later Years: "I was clinically diagnosed with an apple juice addiction."