Girl: Why do you have a Penn credit card?

Boy: Cause I’m a FLOSSY BITCH!


Drunk bitch: I saw this guy I thought might be Ben Affleck the other day, so I followed him down an alley. It was a nice alley but it turns out it wasn’t him.


DP douche: A good first date food is fish eggs. Because if she’s not gonna eat those, she’s probably not gonna suck your dick either.