Girl on Locust: You 100% just farted into the phone!

Cosmopolitan betch: He’s not that scary—he’s just a Russian oligarch.

Drunk girl: I’m so friendly, it’s crazy.
Boyfriend: I don’t carry money, it’s dirty.
Girlfriend: But you do coke with it...
Boyfriend: Yeah, only with hundreds.

Professor: They met at nightclub, but they're getting married in Zambia.

Frathlete: Baseball pledging is so much worse than Theos pledging.