According to university officials, Penn is prepared to really “fuck with Wharton students” this year during OCR. “On campus recruiting is difficult every year, but this year we’ve really stepped up our game to make it as soul–sucking as possible, entirely out of spite. This year's cut–throat competition will include flying across the country multiple times in order to have the opportunity to go through six rounds of interviews just for the chance to fuck over poor people for a living. We really want our students to question whether pursuing a career in business is worth going to Hell and back, so we're sending candidates down the river Styx to really get a sense of if they can handle the heat of Wall Street." 

At first glance, traveling across the country for interviews might seem like a vacation, but the university assures us that this is not the case and is, in fact, a calculated move. “We’ve coordinated with corporations to make sure that students only get to stay at the most depressing hotels. Between the fire alarms going off at night and the mandatory 40–50 interviews, there’s no way anyone will get a good night’s sleep during OCR.”

A Wharton Junior gave a statement, saying, “I don’t deserve this—all I want to do is make money and oppress the innocent.” The university justified the Hunger Games–esque ritual by calling it “retribution for the inevitable crimes against humanity committed by Wall Street on a daily basis. And at least they’ll get a job at the end. Unlike those College kids. May God have mercy on their souls.”


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