Freshman: "What do you mean by 'hooked up?' Became really good friends?"

Exasperated storyteller on Locust: "And I was gay the whole time!"

Literal cradle–robber: "If I was drunk, I would steal this baby."

ACCT 101 bro mid–lecture: "Dude, I'm about to get fisted."

Freshman boy to his horde in CVS' Family Planning Aisle: "I don't want to buy them. We should just put a big Prime order in soon."

Outraged betch: "I can't believe he didn't think I went to Penn. What was I supposed to do, show him my Cartier bracelet?"

Adolf Biecker regular: "I have a closer relationship with my waxer than most of my extended family."

Kylie Penn–er: "He kisses so aggressively that I think he's going to pop my lip injections."

Amy G to star–struck senior in line at Capo: "You're next."

Cocaine connoisseur: "Please. I don't do my coke off any mirror. It's Dior."

Confused enginerd at Banana Leaf: "Wacka Flacka? Is that a dance?"

Shoe–in at a cappella auditions:  "I have perfect pitch. They say I'm like Bob Dylan, but better." 

Male Trader Joe's employee exiting storage room with a female TJ's employee: "So, was that as good for you as it was for me?"