Realist: "It's all about love, sex, and death. Hugh Hefner had two. Well, three now."

EBITDAddy: “My childhood teddy bear is from a boutique investment firm.”

Jewish frat boy at Hillel: "And then I asked her to touch my mezuzah." 

Freshman who's never been West of 40th: "Heard there was a party at 315 yesterday. That's a really specific time."

Country club mom on the phone in FroGro: "No, God, I WISH I was at Whole Foods. I'm at the Fresh Grocer. I still brave it sometimes."

Extraordinarily confused freshman: "I didn't know until this summer that pickles were just cucumbers."

True patriot: "I gave my first handjob on the Washington Monument."