Conspirator of Conspiracy Theorists: “Nick Foles’ profile pic makes him look like someone who reports on government conspiracies. The kinda guy that says ‘dossier’ a lot.”

SWUG: “I wish someone took care of me as well as Penn takes care of its trees.”

Doug, an overcompensating Eagles fan: “BIG DICK DOUG.”

Bandwagon Fan #1: "What is dilly dilly?"

Bandwagon Fan #2: "I think they're just messing it up and trying to say Philly Philly."

Mariah Carey–Adjacent: “I was very skinny today when I fell out of the tree."

Inquisitive Gay: “When everyone was yelling about ‘big dick Nick,’ I was like ‘this is the most excited I’ve ever seen straight men get about a penis.”

Giants Fan: “The only thing that could beat the pure evil of the Patriots is the pure trash of Philly.” 

Supportive Flirt: “You vomiting on Locust was cute.”

Smoke's Devotee: “V—Day is on a Wednesday so I’ll sink and swim in my tears.”