Guy who does the bare minimum: Dude, you’re gonna be so proud of me. She wanted to hookup and I didn’t have a condom on me, so I told her no this time.

Lonesome Junior: It’s so lonely to sleep alone. I curl up with my laundry clean or dirty.

Taste the (Stale) Rainbow: I feel like if you ate her out it would taste like an expired Sour Patch Kid.

Intellectual History Prof: Oprah would be inconceivable without Sigmund Freud.

Egg–regious Junior: I’ve realized over the course of this year that I consistently look like an egg.

Stressed–Out Creative Thesis Writer: I’m only gay for academic reasons.

Tough But Fair: I’m angry with her, so I’m revoking her dick privileges.

Ageist Horndog: You know what makes me uncomfortable? Thinking about old people giving blowjobs.

Magic Gardens Skeptic: I could get high and go to Copa with a kaleidoscope for a lot less money and a similar vibe.