Dirty in the Streets, Clean in the Sheets: "She didn't wash her sheets at all last semester. It makes me not trust her."

Culinary Expert: "Why is this frozen pizza called.... spankatopia?"

Modern Aristotle: "I have that pregnant glow from giving birth to a great idea”

Political Fangirl: “Ohmygod, Trump invited Putin to the White House. Honestly, I ship it.”

Wannabe Frat Star: "Jesus was the ultimate king of 'Nap & Rally.'"

Persecuted Foodie: "They were hating on Lunchables, man."

Girl in Smokes' bathroom: "I can't believe this frosh is trying to fuck my mom."

Puzzled Astrologist: “Mercury is in retrograde? Is that a band?”

Pre–professional Fuckboi: “Meeting for job opportunities, but also interested in blowjob opportunities.”

Content SABSer: "I don't know man, a lot of people have said hello to me today and that just validates my existence."

"K for P" Food Truck Devotee: “I'm literally going to bring my matzo to Lyn's and ask her to make a sandwich with it.”