Archetypal Penn dude: "We're dating. With an asterisk." 

Middle–aged man walking past Wharton Women dinner: "That is a lottttttt of females."

Creative and uplifting friend: "I would compare your body to the Olympic village in Rio. It was once occupied, pillaged, and destroyed but now stands alone as an empty wasteland and reminder of a distant past."

Desperate networker: "I need to get coffee with this girl who bought me a shot at Smokes' and told me to talk to her about BCG while blackout."

Someone we hope is okay: "All I'm saying is that I'm not stepping in to stop her from sleeping with 40–year–old men for coke. I'll be too busy banging men whose names I don't know in club bathrooms."

A true empath: "I know I should be there for you when you're sad, but like, it really bums me out."

Basic OCR Bro: "Is it a power move to bring La Croix to my coffee chat?"

Girl oblivious to this irony when talking about Jewish men: "It's not just a pig. It's a pig in a blanket."

Creative writing prof: "Of course you want to keep your porn."

Drunk entrepreneur singing The Weeknd: "I'm a motherfucking startup."