All my friends are leaving me.
Now, I don't just mean the ones who are graduating in a few weeks, though that's happening. Nor am I referring to the sizable amount of my friends who are abroad for the semester. (I talked to one a couple of days ago. He's in Australia. He goes surfing every day. Asshole.)
No, I am talking about all my friends who will be ditching me this weekend and early next week to go home for Passover.
For the approximately one person on this campus who is not, in fact Jewish, let me explain. Passover is a sacred Jewish holiday where we, God's chosen people, celebrate our escape from Genghis Khan in ancient China. Or something like that. I don't know -- to be honest, my Hebrew School class was the one that successfully drove out every teacher we had, except one. And she was really mean. Plus, she had a mustache.
Allow me to put this in simpler terms - for those of you who have seen The Passion of the Christ, just think of Passover as the holiday shortly after which we killed your Lord. (Just kidding! Boy, the Elders of Zion are going to have my ass for this one ... )
To set the record straight: I am not a member of any worldwide Jewish conspiracies. I'm not sure there are any, but if there were, let me assure you that I would be the last one picked for the kickball team. I do control the media, though. Well, not really. They don't even let me check for spelling in this rag.
I am not what you might call a good Jew. Yona, the managing editor here at Street (second shout out in a row! Big up!) is going home for three days next week, leaving us to pick up the slack. Meanwhile, I'm the kid who, while trying to decide between applying to Penn and Cornell early, turned to my Mom during Rosh Hashanah services and said, "If I go to Penn, do I have to come home for services?" I bet you can guess what the answer was.
Don't get me wrong -- I appreciate my Jewish heritage. My aunt makes me matzo ball soup every time I go to her house for dinner, which is pretty sweet. Kugel is good, too. And you can't beat a Jewish comedian. Well, you probably could, but it would be bloody and they'd whine a lot.
I'm just not in to the whole God thing. I'm cool with those of you who are -- go do your thang. But me, I'm just a Jew. A lonely Jew. On Passover.
L'Chaim,
-Alex
