Ah, that first taste of warm, flat Beast. Like the smells of a cookout on Memorial Day, that first turning leaf or the first snowfall, it's the herald of a new season.
Hey, kids. Welcome back, or if you're a freshman just joining us, welcome. If you're that freshman girl I met at that party the other night and you're reading this, I'm really, really, sorry about last night, that never happens, I promise. I'll TOTALLY call you tomorrow.
For those of you who haven't seen 34th Street before, a brief introduction -- we are Penn's independent student arts and entertainment magazine, part of The Daily Pennsylvanian, Penn's independent daily newspaper. We are the magazine your mother worried about and we're ashamed to show our grandparents. We are also the suppliers of the highest quality cocaine on campus.
Having been through three years at Penn myself, I believe I'm qualified to give you freshpersons a little advice on how to succeed here. I believe a lot of things about myself. Most are not true, but I figured I'd give you some advice anyway.
First, join a fraternity or sorority as soon as possible. If you can convince them to let you, join next week. If you are not in a fraternity or sorority, you will have no friends and you will end up living in the High Rises, and then you will have no friends and never get laid. Don't believe people living in the High Rises who tell you that they're there voluntarily and they like it. The excess sexual fluids have begun to clog their brains.
If you are in Wharton, congratulations. You have chosen wisely. If you are in the College, Engineering or Nursing, what the hell were you thinking? Let me make this very clear -- Penn does not care about you. Neither does anyone else. You'll begin to notice this when stepping into Huntsman, where you will be unable to even use the computers as Wharton students all around you receive complimentary food, drinks and hookers. This, you will come to realize, is because Penn thinks of Wharton students as potential donors. The rest of us Penn thinks of as potential English professors, or even worse, potential staff members here at Street.
Lastly, remember -- there are many eligible men and women here at Penn. Some, if they chose wisely and enrolled in Wharton, will be rich one day. Many are nice Jewish boys who will one day be doctors and who your mother will be proud to tell her friends at synagogue about. If that's not your style, find a nice Jewish girl. Let me watch.
Hugs
and kisses,
Alex Koppelman
