A Navy Seal turns in his helicopters and semi-automatics to navigate the perils of suburbia: diapers, diapers, diapers (let's just say excrement-related humor abounds) and darned kids who simply refuse to wear their tracking devices.

But the audacity of this movie! It threatened to turn one of the kids into a neo-Nazi. It turned out that he just harbored a secret desire to play Rolf opposite a 40 year-old Liesl in a community theatre production of The Sound of Music. Well, who among us can't relate to that? Oops, there goes an important plot point. Gasp.

But you won't see this movie, anyway, will you? Promise you won't. And as for you, Vin Diesel: either you're trying to soften your image or you just really wanted another paycheck. That's beside the point though: there's no excuse for this, Vin. Or is it Mr. Diesel? Please don't hurt me.

-- Carly Daucher


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