Street sent one of its own on a mission to look fab and feel hip by performing the less than popular “body cleanse.” By detoxing and purifying his body wih a special diet, Jake Blum goes on the journey used to lose weight … and bowel control.
If you’re going to cleanse, make sure you have a toilet within a fifty-foot radius. I learned this the hard way. I started my cleanse on a Sunday afternoon. The first step was to rid my room of any harmful foods. I thought I ate pretty healthily, but apparently Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream has a lot of “negative” substances. When cleansing, you’re supposed to stay away from any acidic foods, which include corn, blueberries, beans, pasta, flour, butter, cheese, bacon, coffee and alcohol. After collecting all of my evil food items, I asked my friend Steve if he would hold them hostage until I was fully cleansed. The next step was to buy healthy groceries, which detox professionals categorize as alkalizing foods; these include broccoli, cucumbers, onions, grapes, chestnuts, tofu and pretty much anything else that won’t fill you up.
After I had properly prepared my environment for the cleanse, I needed to pick the right program. Like hot sauces, these detox programs range from extreme to mild. The master cleanse, by far the most radical of choices, consists of drinking only a special lemonade concoction made from lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water, six to twelve times a day. However, I was trying to purify my body — not look like a starving swimsuit model. I ultimately decided on the Total Body Rapid Cleanse. This included an instructional guide of what foods to eat and a bottle of pills to help me digest, which I quickly realized were essentially laxatives.
During the first two days of my detoxification, I felt like a velociraptor who hadn’t eaten in months; yet I pushed my hunger aside and marched onward. But the third day saw the first of the attacks. I was sitting in class, studiously taking notes, when suddenly I felt an atomic bomb explode in my stomach, thrusting a tidal wave of digestive fluids to the threshold of my body. I was in the middle of the row in a large lecture hall, but that didn’t stop me. I sprung up and barreled my way through crowded seats, until I made it out the door. Glancing upon the restroom sign across the hall, I knew refuge was near. When I finally did make it to the toilet, the relief that I felt can only be described as an overwhelming sense of freedom. I exhaled deeply; I knew the battle was over. The diarrhea attacks persisted for the next several days, only subsiding after I had finished the rapid cleanse program. Now that I’m done, I must say I do feel healthier, more energetic and less grumpy, so I guess it was successful. If you do choose to cleanse though, my only advice is to always carry around a spare ultra-soft roll of toilet paper. The TP the school supplies just won’t cut it during detox week.
