Don’t be fooled; this College senior may be deceptively cute, but she’ll kick your ass. Michelle Newman lead Women’s Rugby to victory last semester as forwards captain, while simultaneously orchestrating the most succesful Charitable Laughter in recent history. The current chairwoman of Bloomers, Michelle is busy enough, but refuses to settle for a less than unfathomable resume, juggling positions as a Peer Mentor at the Penn Women’s Center and the first student board member of the American Poetry Review.
Street: What don’t most people know about you?
Michelle Newman: I secretly wish to start an all-cowbell band that only plays dubstep covers.
Street: There are two types of people at Penn, those who__ and those who___?
MN: Those who are Jewish and those who are Jewish.
Street: Last purchase?
MN: A dog … and a hoagie from Wawa. And payment of a parking ticket, does that count? F*** the PPA.
Street: Any guilty pleasures?
MN: Tackling in inappropriate public spaces and naked band practice.
Street: You’ve just arrived at your 10-year college reunion. What would people be most surprised to hear about you?
MN: That Lady GaGa has joined my all-cowbell ensemble and that we are currently touring the nation with the world’s premier Klezmer band.
Street: Where did all those bruises come from?
MN: Well, I’m in a 4-year-strong abusive relationship with my Russian roommate … I mean … rugby?
Street: If you could have a superpower for a day what would it be?
MN: The ability to travel anywhere in the universe instantaneously. This would have the glorious corollary of being able to control (or by-pass) space-time itself, a big aspiration of mine.
Street: Who would win in a celebrity death match, Bloomers or Mask and Wig?
MN: Upon discussion of this very enticing question, a fellow Bloomer has eloquently re-phrased it correctly: Who would win in a celebrity death match; a group of funny, sexy, talented comediennes that boast an all-girl slammin’ rock band, tech and biz staff … or a troupe of transvestites with a lot of dough?
Street: What makes good comedy?
MN: Delivery.
Street: Who would you rather grab a drink with: A-Gut or B-Frank?
MN: B-Frank, by far. Preferably with him on his tour of ambassadorial duties in Paris. Amy is cool and I like her, but she is so tiny I’m not sure she could hold her alcohol. Plus, B-Frank has got it all — he started everything there was to start in this city and had a witty maxim or insult for everything else.
Street: Would you be so kind as to give us a sample of your master poetry skills, in haiku?
MN: Ego of the Week /Is this what it’s all been for?/Sweet, I guess I win.
