The other day my friend Ariel and I hosted a negativity party. This sounds bad, but it was not. I am bored, so parties excite me.
There are times in my life when I am just ready to get where I am going. This is one of them. In less than four months I will be 21, and it's making me nervous. In many ways it feels like time is going too quickly, even as I wish it away. Soon, all forms of tame rebellion will be lost to me. I can already get into R-rated movies. I can already buy cigarettes. Who wants to drink if one does not need a fake ID? What will I do now?
Once, when I was a little kid, I was in the elevator with my mom and I told her that I hated being a little kid, and I didn't understand why everyone was always so gung-ho about it. (I probably didn't say gung-ho, but I may have. I was a freakish little kid.) She agreed with me. It's not cool to be a kid, with people bossing you around and hours of school every day and younger sisters with blond hair and blue eyes who steal your Puffalump dolls.
That was then, this is now. The thing is, it's not that much fun being 20 either. I know these are supposed to be the best years of my life, but I'm sitting here tapping my foot. Papers suck, hearing people say "mad busy day" sucks, stale weed sucks and younger sisters with blond hair and blue eyes who have 4.09 unweighted high school GPAs suck. Being 20 and still caring that your younger sister's high school GPA is .30 points higher than yours was also really, really sucks.
So, I am biding my time. As they say, this too shall pass. As they say, your day will also come. And, in general, I am pretty happy. I like Swedish Fish, David Bowie and My So-Called Life DVDs. I like imagining being an ex-pat in Prague one day. There are worse things than stasis -- I know this.
Still, stasis is no fun. Excitement in my life consists of seeing Ivanka at Wharton Reprographics and dreaming of one night stands with F. Scott Fitzgerald. God, I wish Xanax was easier to come by these days. When I was little, I was much less emotionally stable. Psychotropic drugs were everywhere.
Now, I will go back to being managing editor and will leave this job to Alex. I will have a reggae party on Saturday night, and it will be positive. (You can come if you want. Actually, please do. It will be fun.) I will continue being patient and waiting for all that may one day be. (When will the phone ring? When will I be able to sleep again?) I have faith.
We are the beautiful and the damned
--Yona
