Did everybody get a red sticker? Great. OK, before we start the tour I just want to say that you should feel free to ask any questions at any time. But you should be aware that I'm going to be COMPLETELY honest here and not give you rehearsed answers. Instead, I'll give you a normal student's perspective on these things. After all, that's just what tour guides are -- normal Penn students. Let's start off by going around and saying our names and where we're from. I'll start. My name is Anthony, and I am a Wharton senior from Illinois. No jokes about the Midwest please! Ha!
Great. It's so nice to meet you all. I'm sure you are all curious about the student to professor ratio here at Penn. I know I certainly was when I was in your shoes. Well, at Penn that ratio is about 2:1. Because of this fact, professors are extremely accessible and open to getting to know their students. Unlike at other universities, it is not uncommon that a professor will invite you to his or her home for dinner or a late-night hook-up.
Now, all of that academic stuff is important, but what's more important is the social scene. Ha! Just kidding, parents! As you probably know, though, Penn is called "The Social Ivy." Personally, I think that's an extremely fitting title! Penn students work hard, and they play hard! So hard, in fact, that last night I saw this girl puking her guts out on this statue of Benjamin Franklin, who in 1749 founded this wonderful University. This statue is a great photo opportunity, so I'll give you a few moments to take some pictures. Watch out for pigeon poop! Ha!
OK. Did everyone hear that? I just got a question about campus safety. An urban university like Penn has its share of dangers, but fortunately, Penn has come up with a brilliant crime-stopping solution. Now pay attention, because this is different from other colleges and universities you'll visit. Penn has these neat things called blue-light phones that single-handedly obliterated last summer's crime wave. From any spot on campus there will be a blue-light phone within an arm's reach. Just pick up the phone, and a Penn Police officer will magically appear before you can say, "Triple homicide." It's hard not to feel safe at Penn. Unless, of course, it is after 5 p.m.
Now here you will see a large broken button. It was erected in 1981 by Swedish sculptor Claus Oldenburg. There are a lot of legends about this button, but one indisputable fact is that people masturbate under it regularly. Behind this sculpture you see Van Pelt library, which dates all the way back to 1962. Interesting tidbit: people like to take poops in the third floor bathrooms.
Well, that concludes our tour today. What's that? No, we can't go into any buildings or see any classes. Hmm? Yes, that does render this tour completely useless. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to contact me anytime. But, preferably not before 2 p.m. HA! No. That was just one parting joke for you. Seriously, you've been great. I hope to see you ALL in August. GO QUAKERS!
Anthony Cotton is a Wharton senior from LaGrange, IL. His e-mail address is ancottonwharton.upenn.edu. Red & Blue Steel appears sporadically throughout the semester.
