Because we know more about film than all of Hollywood (and by the transitive property, that means all of you too), we thought we'd present to you, our glorious readers, the grandest film gaffes of the year 2004. Call it a parting gift. Call it our show of love. Whatever you call it, don't call it a fluff piece.
January: Torque
Premise: Ice Cube is a member of a biker gang that races a la The Fast and the Furious. 'Nuff said.
Lesson learned: The Fast and the Furious was alright, but what would ever make you think it would work with motorcycles? And who keeps giving Ice Cube roles?
February:The Passion of the Christ
Premise: Um, hello, Jesus? WWJD?
Lessons learned: 1) Mel Gibson is God, 2) Goddamnit, the Jews really did kill Jesus! 3) Jews -- kill Mel Gibson (World Wide Jewish Domination).
March:Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed
Premise: Does it really matter? Lesson Learned: Can we please stop using pot and get to some real drugs? P.S. Yona Silverman is Velma.
April:The Whole Ten Yards Premise: Add Chandler to any episode of the fifth season of The Sopranos. Take away anything that made the first film good. (Essentially Amanda Peet naked.)
Lesson Learned: Don't add Chandler to the sixth season of The Sopranos.
May: New York Minute
Premise: The Olsen twins face a series of ... who are we kidding, we didn't see it.
Lesson learned: Fewer lines in the script, more on the catering tray please.
June: Napoleon Dynamite Premise: Vote for Pedro.
Lesson Learned: J/K. Best movie ever!
July: Catwoman
Premise: Put Halle Berry in tight leather suit and call her a "superhero."
Lesson learned: Superman? Superhero. Cyclops? Superhero. Cat ... woman, cook me a meal!
August: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
Premise: Big snake unleashed. Lots of them.
Lesson Learned: Where have you gone Dr. Freud, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you ... Woo woo woo. What's that you say, Dr. Freud? This phallic object simply won't go away ... Hey hey hey, hey hey hey (insert guitar solo).
September: Wimbeldon
Premise: Chick flick hits the (grass) courts.
Lesson learned: Kirsten Dunst should stick to cheerleading, Paul Bettany should stay as a figment of John Nash's imagination, and Sam Neill ... didn't a dinosaur eat him?
October:Shark Tale
Premise: Little fish. Big shark. Do the math.
Lesson learned: Sharks are Catholic and dolphins are gay!
November: After the Sunset Premise: Woody Harrelson leaves that friendly neighborhood bar called Cheers.
Lesson learned: Don't eat cake near Brett Ratner, he'll stick his hand in your piece ... fatass.
December: Spanglish
Premise: Adam Sandler is the best dad ever.
Lesson learned: Yo no quiero ver el movie.
-- With reporting by Weston Cookler
