The need for hot goss may have been Trumped by our reflections issue last week, but Highbrow's back with the Roundup to share some Hillaryous stories that you just couldn't miss out on. 

We get that skulls and crossbones go hand in hand but what Skulls about “crossed” boners? During a Radian Birthday party last Friday, one drunk Skulls brother was unknowingly slipped two little blue pills and what went up, didn’t come down for the majority of the night. This soldier was outfitted in sweat pants, putting his full salute on display to the rest of the party–goers. He was going pretty hard–on the dance floor trying to grind with girls who had no interest in being a part of a launch party for his pocket rocket. Upon realizing what was going on, he felt the need to clarify that his fun gun wasn’t locked and loaded by attempting to force people to touch it. We remain unclear as to how many potential customers actively took part in his “Touch here” advertisement.

Last Saturday night’s party "Harry Potter and the Sirius Blackout" quickly became “Harry Potter and the Half–Bloody Senior” when a senior boy cut his finger on a glass bottle and started spewing blood all over the dance floor. The cut was no match for this blackout champion as he kept right on dancing and spreading his red magic all over the ballroom. After refusing to go to the hospital he was taken up to a Tabard girl’s room to have the cut fixed right up as an in house procedure. One of his pals asked the girl for a sewing kit, sterilized the needle with his lighter, and was able to sew his bleeding friend back together with some thread. To ease some of the bloody prince’s pain, the Tabard girl lit a joint and held an ashtray out for him as he was undergoing his dramatic surgery.

Insult was added to injury this weekend when a Freshman was MERTed in the Allegro bathroom. After a wild day of dartying at St. A’s, the girl decided that she needed to relieve herself from her not so saintly sins. She made her way into the bathroom, only to be incapable of making her way out. Her friends called MERT and the responders had to break into the bathroom to get to her. Before they could make their sweet escape, she managed to vomit on one of the emergency responders leaving a pretty sour scent in the air.

The best things in life are free, except pizza, as one APhi senior found out this weekend. She and an SAE sophomore drunkenly wandered into Allegro and spotted an empty table with an unmanned pizza slice on it. Thinking free pizza was a phi–sible concept at the time, the SWUG went in for the kill and started devouring the pie, only to have its much larger and much older owner come back and demand an explanation. Defending the honor of his phriend the drunken SAEvior eloquently spat out “stop being so aggressive, you’re soft as shit,” eliciting an even stronger reaction from the pizza purchaser. Sobering up quickly and realizing they were very much in the wrong, but had no funds whatsoever, they ended up venmo–ing a stranger for cash to give to give to the pizza deprived man and running away with their tails between their legs.


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