Off Campus Recruiter: Last night, someone tried to network with me when I was drunk. 

Sugar Baby:  My dad's a professor so he gets all this grant money, but when he can't spend it all he buys me random stuff. 

Roleplayer: Yeah, I mean, just hit me up if you want me to mock interview you—I’ve been told I’m really good at getting the right tone. 

Buttertranscript: My GPA versus transcript is like a really hot girl with a bad nose—let’s look at it from afar for best results. 

Photo: Brad Hong

Penn Landscaper: If you want to get your just desserts, keep playing hard! (Ed. Note: according to Urban Dictionary, just desserts is “what is coming to them; what ‘they’ deserve”) 

Entrepreneur at a Gay Tech Conference: We should start an ABBA acapella group. ABBApella.