SWUG, to a freshman (who didn't ask): “If you’re not concerned about doing well, college is very easy.”

Asshole: "So what do you learn in nursing school? Being nice?"

Yeasty Incubator: "There's yogurt bacteria growing in my vagina."

Gay, who just deleted Grindr: "We were thinking about getting plants as a couple, but we're probably just gonna start with sourdough starter."

Multitasker, bored of the VP Stacks: "What if … we kissed in the Wharton behavioral labs?"