Bitch and Animal The Point 880 West Lancaster Avenue Thu, March 27, 8:00 p.m. $12 (610) 527-0988 For those of us who continue to cringe every time we see the Billboard Top 10 and who still spend our drunken nights lamenting the fate of music, hope may have arrived. It comes in the form of Bitch and Animal. Their Eternally Hard album is reminiscent of the Paul Simon's Graceland. Well, not really, but I think I heard bongos on a few tracks. Maybe a better comparison is Mike Meyers' beatnik poet in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Think transgendered individuals and dildos, and you will begin to understand the art of Bitch and Animal. They may be just another pair of angry, unshaved women who think Gloria Steinem is a sell-out for getting married. In any event, they are pretty damn amusing and I suggest you check out their website. Disturbed, Taproot, Chevelle, Unloco Tweeter Center 1 Harbor Boulevard Camden, N.J. Fri, March 28, 8:00 p.m. $32.50 www.ticketmaster.com This year, Disturbed perpetuates the "Music as a Weapon" motif in a contest of heavy metal rockers. Their angst-ridden music will surely provide many angry white Philadelphians with an opportunity to unleash their pent-up emotions in a communal setting. Although it is hard to take such groups seriously, perhaps one could enjoy the sounds of these rapscallions while doing a sociological study of their psychopathologies. Given the state of intense metal in this post-modern industrial age, it behooves you to bring a chainsaw to the event. Watch for the Taliban stationed at the entrance to ward off pious Christians. Lo-Hi Balcony at the Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Fri, March 28, 8 p.m. $8 (215) 922-6888 Ah, the paradoxes of rock and roll music. You care but you must be ambivalent. You bathe but you must look dirty. You wear expensive clothes that must look like they came right out of the dumpster. Now you must be low and high at the same time, except spelled in a "cool" rock and roll way. Somehow this does not deter me from wanting desperately to be a rock star. Oh, why can't I be a rich, six-foot tall boy who took guitar lessons, and acts like a five year old? It's just not fair. Heartache Disease The Khyber 56 South 2nd Street Fri, March 28, 9 p.m. (215) 238-5888 Some bands do gross things, and some just have gross names. But the thing is, bands with gross names never get anywhere, but bands that do gross things get far. Like Ozzy Osbourne bit a head off a bat onstage, and he is famous. Or Marilyn Manson, who had gross contacts and gross clothes. He made a lot of money. Heartache Disease is probably supposed to sound sad and fuzzy, like people's hearts are breaking all around us, but to me it sounds revolting. Like "Look! Her heart is bleeding everywhere and green pus is coming from her mouth!" WMMR SPRING BREAK 2003 FEATURING Live Liacouras Center 1776 North Broad Street Fri, March 28, 7 p.m. Free through WMMR-FM only (215) 204-2400 Free and sponsored by WMMR-FM, this concert harkens back to those junior high school days when Ed Kowalczyk enchanted the airwaves with his dazzling vocals. The Pennsylvania band might have faded since their apex of fame, yet the baldness of the lead singer will never ever cease to impress me. Few can pull off that look as well as he can. I dream of the day when I can shave my cranial bristles and achieve such marked sophistication. Rusted Root Electric Factory 421 North 7th Street Fri, March 28, 8:30 p.m. $20 adv, $23 dos (215) 569-9400 Neo-Grateful Dead groups get me off. It is truly that simple, categorically speaking. Place me in a venue controlled by rad rockers jamming endless instrumentals and bluesy choruses, and my atman will be rather pleased. The tendency for such concerts to be populated by neo-potheads will nonetheless increase the chance for me to titillate my neo-spiritual soul. Uncle Sam wants you to show your patriotism by buying up some Birkenstocks and expressing your Lockean liberties. Rusted Root, pump up the jam, and give me your unadulterated all American hippieness. Tim McGraw 127 Bryce Jordan Center University Park, Pa. Sat, March 29, 8 p.m. $39.75-$59.75 (814) 863-5500 I don't know how many of us are Tim McGraw fans but I think we've all got to admit we like at least one country song. And yes I do count the Dixie Chicks. That reminds me. I was watching their video one day and I noticed one Chick, she's cross-eyed. The other one is fat. (Pregnant... that's her excuse.) I think there are three and the other one, like, got a haircut. (Information courtesy of Pop-up Video, quality television programming. That's where I first found out guys have an average of three wet dreams a night. Thank goodness I'm not a boy. No fun waking up to a sticky mess.) Joan Baez Scottish Rite Auditorium 315 White Horse Pike West Collingswood, NJ Sat, March 29, 8 p.m. $29-$34 www.ticketmaster.com Though it is a veritable putrid armpit, the inferior province squished between Pennsylvania and New York does sometimes attract worthwhile entertainers. After begetting Bon Jovi, New Jersey lost its former ability to produce homo sapiens with much flair. I know that Joan Baez is the bomb diggity, so I will not proceed to disrespect her. Understand that folk revivalist art is not merely for the second sex. Her political bent need not intimidate you right wing, pro-Dubya chauvinists. Just pretend she is Margaret Thatcher twenty years ago and then let your fantasies go wild. Jump Little Children North Star Bar 2639 Poplar Street Sun, March 30, 8 p.m. $8 adv, $10 dos (215) 684-0808 This band wants you to do something, and they are not shy about telling you so. Don't let them treat you that way. They're not the boss of you now. They're not the boss of you, now, and they're not so big. Wow. That song really does have multiple uses, including my little brother singing it to me when I tell him to do something. Damn kid. Anyway, all the guys in this band are trained to play traditional blues music. Blues, jumping, children, and that kid from Malcolm in the Middle. Can you think of a better way to spend a Sunday? Cranked Up The Balcony at the Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Sun, March 30, 4 p.m. $8 (215) 922-6888 Remember when that one "Get Funked Up" song was popular? You would go to the club and think everyone was saying "get fucked up," and you were all "hell yeah!" Then you realized the song was actually saying "get fuNked up." God that was disappointing. Anyway, this band is not like that. In fact, it's a "rock" band, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. I think I'm going to show up and yell "get fucked up!" and see what kind of reaction I get. All-American Rejects Theatre of Living Arts 334 South Street Tue, April 1, 8 p.m. $10 (215) 922-1011 If you have never experienced the genre of emo, I suggest you check out this earthy version of Weezer. A wise man once told me that being a reject renders one quintessentially American. Hence the tasty name of this indie rock quartet. I concur that in procuring tickets for this occasion, you are inadvertently subverting American musical staples such as Charles Ives, 50 Cent, and Limp Bizkit. Speaking of American pop culture, why and how did Christina Aguilera make the that top-100 list of beautiful women?

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