I steal a lot of computers -- it's just what I do. And you know what, I'm really good at it. My stats speak for themselves: single-day high, 42; career total, a fucking shit load... trust me. I once cleaned out P.S. 143 through P.S. 149 in a stunning six hours, 53 minutes. I didn't need those computers, but I needed them damn more than any of those rich public school brats did. Dells? Got 'em. Compaqs? Got 'em. Your Mom's comp? Got it.
But that was back when it meant something. That was back when purloining desktops was a feat. To steal one was a true operation requiring stealth, gumption and strength. You needed a couple of tickets to the gun show. These days stealing computers is cake. The laptop boom has changed the game. Desktops were rooted in place; these light, paper-thin laptops are just begging to be jacked.
It's obvious that technology is moving too fast. Take it slow. Don't necessarily embrace these new trends in portability. For the modest benefits they offer, laptops are a far greater security risk. Our government can't even keep up. Last year someone stole a Veterans Administration laptop that contained loads of confidential personal information. If the files had been secured on a desktop it never would have happened. Besides, desktops are in their natural habitat in government bureaucracy. They're boxy, slow and putty, like Colin Powell.
The average person isn't ready for this brave new world of portable computing. You know what kind of person is ready? Jack Bauer. Someone whose preferred kill technique is bite-to-the-jugular. No one in their right mindgrapes would steal his laptop, but trust me, they would have no problem stealing yours. He's ready for this world - you're not.
Don't let Time magazine fool you. FYI: You are not the person of the year. You might be able to contribute to all this information floating around on the Internet, but you can't control it. You can't keep it safe. For every MacBook and ThinkPad in Van Pelt there are dozens of Winona-wannabes just waiting to get their klepto-fix.
I'm telling you this for your own good. Maybe you guys should miss the desktop as much I do.
