The ones that couldn’t finish...

To the guy who shit on the Alpha Phi stairs during fling and then got arrested for it:

To the boy who offered to Uber me from Allegro’s to Domus to have sex with me.

Or never started...

I hope you choke and die the next time you eat my leftover pizza.

WHY DO THEY ALL THINK I WANT TO BE THEIR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?

The fucking annoying ones...

To Shayan: You’re gonna do great!

To my boyfriend: I love you more.

To climate change: Is that still a thing?

Mets 2014 This Is Our Year Baby!!!!

Roses are red, Violet’s are blue, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I’M FEELING 22

To my oopsies: McDonalds run?? 20 pieces is divisible by 8 ppl, which I’m pretty sure is a sign that we were meant to be. Love you girls <3

The poopy ones...

To poopsicle: hi

To Poopoo: your milkshake brings all the girls to the yard

Poop, again

To Marie: Everyone knows you pooped and didn’t wipe

“To the residents of the 4th floor Spruce side of the Quad: Fuck you for always shitting in and clogging the 5th floor toilets!!”

The sad ones...

Shout out to English House for still being awesome, even for a sophomore.

Penn Men are terrible at sex, I am sorry, it’s a fact... only thing I am thirsty for is haterade.

Shout to myself maannn

The earnest ones...

To my beloved bff named after a planet: Thank you for the last 18 years. Let’s make the most of these final weeks of friendship.

To the RA down the hall: Thanks for being there when I tried to cope with my best friend’s mother’s death

To GCC 2014: thanks for being the most loving family I could ever ask for. These last few years have been the best time of my life.

To Penn: Thank you truly, for the best 4 years of my life. I’m leaving with no dignity, no self respect, no money, no job, not a lot of direction, but with some pretty incredible friends and a severe addiction to Insomnia cookies (and netflix)

Nelson & Andrea, Congrats on the Ph.D’s! And good luck on the move to Texas! Besos, Miguel

The Ernest one...

To all the haters and all the bitches trying to bring me down: I’m proud and beautiful and don’t care what you have to say.

The WTF ones...

To the banana lady: I know you’re the Llama Person.

To my roommate: if you haven’t noticed the 87932x I’ve masturbated in our room while you were sleeping, either you’re enjoying it or you really are just a heavy sleeper

To the two elephants playing catch with a bar of soap: No soap, radio!

And the questionable onthat you shouldn’t laugh at...

To Copa: is it true that you are offering killer specials on shots for the rest of the year?


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.