Winter Storm Jonas wasn’t the only thing that did damage this weekend. From your bid party to your snarty (for the uninformed: that’s a snow darty) to your 3 a.m. McFlurry, we caught drift of your snowy escapades. Let’s hope the Round Up didn’t (frost)bite you in the ass.
Bundle up or you might catch Alpha Phi-ver. At the Phi bid party last week, one brother led his A Phi mistress to the bathroom in the hopes of getting some below-the-belt action. Instead of blowing the guy, however, she ended up blowing chunks all over his dick. The night definitely could’ve ended better, but at least our Phi-friend was already on her knees.
Phi boys weren't the only ones to encounter unwanted bodily fluids this weekend. The girls' swim team hosted a party on Friday, which their male counterparts graciously attended. Perhaps not so gracious, however, were the gifts the boys left for their lovely hosts. Highbrow hears that, after waking up the morning after, the girls discovered that the boys had pissed in their dryer. The disaster didn't stop there, however, as another resident tried to make a pizza only to open the oven door to a flaming pool of pee. The whole situation leaves us with a lot of questions, but mostly how did no one notice someone peeing in the oven???
Speaking of flying under the radar, St. A's threw an all-too-fitting white snarty in honor of Blizzard 2016. Things were going snow-well until one OAX girl and an A's brother went to hook up and accidentally locked themselves in one of the house’s rooms for almost an hour. Luckily, the guy called in reinforcements and brothers rushed to transport hammers to the couple through a window. After loosening the door’s screws, the A's bros were able to kick down the door and set the two lovebirds free. Highbrow’s all for seven minutes in heaven, but not so much for the long–HALL.
But perhaps nobody was as screwed as Theos this past week. Realizing that they were about to lose at least half of their new pledge class to rival Oz, the brothers were forced to re–rush kids they had already cut. The off–campus frat even invited back alums to save the day, but it appears Oz still wooed the rushes down their yellow brick road. Looks like TheosTheosTheos needs some HelpHelpHelp (see @THEOSTHEOSTHEOS on Twitter. You won’t regret it).
Apparently frats aren’t the only ones who hire strippers. Last Friday night, SDT upperclassmen hosted an event at an off–campus house where they invited a male stripper to perform for them. Upon arriving trashed, he stayed for a mere 30 minutes, showed off his matzah balls a little, then bolted and puked right outside their house, before making a quick getaway. A word to the wise: don’t drink Manischewitz on an empty stomach.
The he-brew continued to flow at an AEPi date night, as one drunk sophomore fell down some stairs and impaled her hand on a piece of metal. Oy vey. To buoy the bad vibes, she got high and fortunately found someone in MERT to temporarily bandage the wound. When the sober biddy finally made it to the ER the next day, a fearless freshman from the night before texted her asking what she was up to. After responding “ER lol, come thru,” the recovering soph was surprised to see the guy did, in fact, actually come thru. Talk about emergency care. To be clear, Highbrow doesn’t want anyone landing in the hospital, but we commend the bold frosh for checking in on his potential H(ook)UP.
The Round Up is a gossip column and the stories are gathered though tips and word of mouth. Although we verify all the information in the Round Up with multiple sources, the column should be regarded as campus buzz and not as fact.