Welcome back, spring breakers. We’re glad you’ve turned all of Locust into a walk of shame, but if you’re like the rest of us, your brief interlude of sobriety between break and St. Patty’s was a harsh reminder of your impending workload or lack of summer plans. Speaking of coffee chats, rest assured that spring break gave you something to talk about when you finally caught up with that acquaintance. Or maybe you used break as a chance for a narcissistic resurrection of your social media presence. But whether you raged in PV, ventured somewhere original, or bitterly griped over your staycation, we’re here to dish all the dirty deeds.

With Puerto Vallarta’s questionable water sources and high levels of intoxication, it’s no surprise some spring breakers were really thirsty for the D. Or should we say hungry? An instagram was circulated showing a drunk Tri Delt girl with her mouth around one Quaker’s bathing–suit clad burrito during a party, with the caption “This iz PV.” We guess the free–flowing tequila had our friend feeling a little Hornitos.

Days later on a flight back from PV, the same sophomore then got on a plane’s intercom system and asked an Oz soph to “prom”, which we hear was well–received by the other passengers, but not so much by the guy himself. But hey, in ques–o you don’t succeed, you can always Tri again. 

The PV depravity continued at a local strip club, where two frat bros indulged in some lap dances, before one of them realized he was short on cash. In an effort to cover his friend’s dance, the other guy tried to pay for both of them but soon realized he also didn’t have enough. ¡Pes–oh no! Sources informed Highbrow that while scrambling to finance their exotic endeavors, a member of a Mexican drug ring approached one of them and threatened him if he didn’t pay. In response, the frat stars emptied their entire wallets and made a quick but successful escape. Talk about a show and cartel.

Speaking of foreigners with drug problems, after coming back from a darty, Owls brothers attempted to truly keep the party rolling. One member hurled a barrage of pills over the balcony of their pricey villa to the delight of eager partiers below. While the drugs in question are still unidentified, it’s safe to say that when in Mexico, getting fucked up is as easy as uno, doses, tres.

Pills weren’t the only thing making landfall off of balconies this break. A Phi Delt sophomore was feeling a little too tipsy when he fell off what sources confirm was at least an 8 ft. tall ledge at a Theos darty. Highbrow hears that our injured amigo was allegedly motionless at the bottom of the ledge, but no brothers in Theos or Phi Delt rushed to help him. A few Oax seniors ended up taking the sophomore to the hospital, which led to his early exit from spring break due to pulled ligaments and a nasty concussion. Looks like you can only be King of the Hill for so long before you end up a Trauma Queen.


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