6:37 am: I realize I don’t have to meet my host for another three hours. I wait patiently, staring at the clock and checking to see if college Yik Yak is truly as great as they say.
7:13 am: I post, “shoutout to all my fellow baby Quakers out there!!!” I get seventeen up–votes in two minutes. This really is the place for me.
10 am: I meet my host by Houston Market. Oh my god. Insomnia. College is soooooo cool.
10:03 am: I learn my host is on the volleyball team. She’s so friendly and awesome. I hope everyone here is half as great as her.
11:00 am: My host drops me off at Irvine Auditorium for my first event of the day, a speech from Dean Furda.
11:07 am: After talking about how cohesive and talented we are as a class, Dean Furda tells us to talk to the person to our right. His name is Douglas. He tells me he’s the only kid admitted from Wyoming, and he’s interested in studying entomology––basically, he’s really into slugs. Okay, so we have people with diverse interests. That’s good, right?
12:00 pm: For lunch, my group and I go to Commons. I bet I’ll come here every day with all my friends.
12:18 pm: My group is okay, I guess. They’re all super accomplished––especially Cassandra. She seems to take pride in asking everyone their standardized test scores––she just missed getting a 36 on her ACT. It’s okay Cassandra, math is hard.
12:24 pm: I start talking to this girl named Katie. She’s really cool and did journalism in high school. I tell her I was EIC for my school’s publication. We hit it off right away, and I put her in my contacts as “Katie (Penn).” Maybe she could be my roommate!
1:00 pm: I go on a tour led by a sophomore named Derek. He’s very enthusiastic, and his sexuality is very ambiguous.
1:06 pm: We pass Pottruck. I decide I’m going to come here five days a week no matter what. Freshman fifteen can’t touch me. Plus, it’s not really that far from the Quad.
2:15 pm: We go to Annenberg to hear Amy Gutmann speak. I check my Yak again. I got 43 more up–votes. I’m officially Yak famous, but no one knows it.
2:18 pm: Amy has already called us the future leaders of tomorrow eight times, told us Penn will maximize our opportunities in four different ways and used approximately twelve puns with the name Penn in them. Apparently, I am a Pennovator.
3:37 pm: I text Katie and ask her if she and her host want to get dinner with me and my host. She responds with a yes and six exclamation points. We’re basically best friends.
6:12 pm: We’re going to a place called Honeygrow for dinner. My host says it’s literally the best thing on the planet.
6:30 pm: We walk in and see Katie and her host already there. I get a salad with noodles in it. This is a dream come true. Katie just gets a salad containing only sesame seeds and carrots. Maybe she has a sensitive stomach?
6:37 pm: I ask Katie about her salad. Bad move. Katie goes on a ten minute rant about how lettuce farmers abuse their crops before they have a chance to mature and how they are destroying America’s farmland. She says she’s going to picket on behalf of all the fallen heads of lettuce over the summer.
7:02 pm: I rush out of there with my host and tell Katie I’ll see her later––though I hope I never do. She says she’ll text me before she goes out tonight, and I contemplate changing my phone number. I guess I’ll be going with a random roommate.
9:00 pm: My host says she’s taking me to a party. Finally, something I can get down with. We each take two shots and walk out the door. I guess the alcohol safety speech had little effect on me.
9:13 pm: We’re at some place my host referred to as a backlot. She starts making out with a blond–haired guy upon entering the party.
9:44 pm: I’ve had two cups of jungle juice. It’s pretty strong, but it also tastes like Kool–Aid, so I’ll probably have three more glasses by the time I leave. I’m drinking out of a solo cup. I feel so college.
10:33 pm: I go to the mixer. It’s god awful (sorry Joel), I text my host to get me out of here. The exact message was, “heyyy coubd u cime nd pix m up??>?yyew7f???” But I think she understood.
10:59 pm: My host takes me to my first frat party. I’m so excited. Or maybe just really drunk. But probably both.
11:11 pm: We walk into the frat house and go to the basement. I almost trip on the last step, but I catch myself. It’s essentially empty down here except for a few guys playing pong. I’m too drunk to care though, I head straight to the dance floor with my host.
11:32 pm: The party starts to fill up more, and Beyonce’s song Formation comes on. Everybody is hype, and I start grinding on this really cute guy. Well, I don’t actually know if he’s really cute. I didn’t see his face. But his hips don’t lie.
11:41 pm: I turn around to go in for the DFMO and something terrible happens. It’s Douglas, the slug–lover. I immediately sprint to the bathroom and puke for a while. I can’t tell if it was the alcohol or the horror of seeing Douglas that initiated it. It was both.
12:45 am: Done puking.
12:47 am: My host finds me, and takes me to a magical place called Wawa. I get mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and fried chicken. Life is good.
12:56 am: Upon arrival at the Quad, my host tells me to walk around for a few minutes while she and the guy from the party “have the room.” I comply.
4:18 am: I wake up to Katie poking me in the face as I’m lying in the shower in the gender–neutral bathroom. She reprimands me and delivers me back to my host. I immediately pass out on the floor.
8:30 am: I immediately accept my admissions offer at the University of Michigan. Fuck this place.