Carnivore: The Sweetgreen reopening was like Black Friday for basic girls.
A visually impaired animal lover: One time, I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I asked someone to pet their dog and they were like, “This is a goat.”
Innovative Whartonite: Dude, as capitalists, we could’ve made so much money off of the Women’s March. Just selling branded t-shirts or something.
Sexual Butterfly: Chlamydia sounds so beautiful. Like a flower.
Confused Frosh: Smokes' is the hardest frat to get into.
Bottled, not Still guy: I only trust FIJI. It’s the only kind of water good enough for my body.