You Definitely Need to Do These Things This Summer

Is summer even worth it if you don't everything on this list?


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Photo: MartinStr / Pixabay

1. Get an unpaid internship which takes up all of your time, isolates you from your friends, and is in a field you have absolutely no interest in. It’s all for the resume.

2. Get over your fear of sunburn, and stop wearing sunscreen until you shrivel up, change colors, and turn into a literal raisin. Bonus—you’ll develop an aversion to raisins and raisin related products. They’re gross anyway.

3. Find your own summertime sadness—it’s not just for Lana Del Rey anymore. Revel in the fact that your sadness won’t make you millions and will only make you sadder. Growing attached to your summer fling, breaking your phone in a foreign country and sitting in a dark room alone with your thoughts are all Street approved ways for doing this.

4. Perfect your budgeting strategies by losing your wallet in the ocean. You can’t spend money that you don’t have.

5. Schedule appointments with the gynecologist, proctologist, oral surgeon, dermatologist and your primary care physician just for fun! Try to get some teeth and skin patches removed as a nice bonus.

6. Embrace your worst self. Do you remember all of the things you did to keep healthy and happy during the school year? Neither do I. It’s summer. Watch Netflix until your eyes are scorched and smoking holes in your empty skull, let your bed become a collage of candy wrappers, lose so much respect for yourself that you allow your friends to pull your legs over your head and use you as a bowling ball just for some good sober fun and encourage yourself to overthink absolutely every social interaction you have.

7. Instead of a relaxing, all–inclusive vacation, have a labor–intensive staycation. Work remotely, catch up on the household chores, buy and prepare your own food, sunbathe in your backyard or on the roof under the gaze of your creepy neighbors, and rapidly lose Instagram followers.

8. Become YouTube famous for being the first person to skydive without a parachute.

9. Celebrate Shark Week by diving head first into shark infested waters and getting featured on TV as the water runs red with your blood.

10. Get chlamydia from a koala bear you cuddled with one time. Did you know that most koalas have chlamydia? Bonus—you’ll have the best STD story out of all of your friends.

11. Dress up as Santa Claus and lure small children to sit on your lap on July 25th in support of Christmas in July. Sit on street corners and in alleys to attract the most children.

12. Find the best place to get spaghetti in your neighborhood by eating nothing but spaghetti for three weeks.

13. Exfoliate your skin by digging yourself a hole to lay in at the beach. Lay in the hole and cover yourself in the sand. Close your eyes and embrace your sand grave. Bonus—this will also help you get over your intense claustrophobia.

14. Drink a concoction of red bull, coffee and soda to stay awake all day and all night. Don’t waste a single second of your summer! Bonus—it’ll make you irritable and discourage people from talking with you.

15. Bring a new, previously undiscovered species to the attention of scientists around the world by being eaten by one at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Bonus—this will also help you get over your fear of high pressure, darkness and the ocean.


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