Penn's Eastward Expansion Thwarted
Penn's eastward plans were thwarted by an uprising of the Postal Liberation Organization, after years of attempting to claim the land surrounding the U.S. Post Office on 31st Street. The PLO attacks on the University of Pennsylvania culminated in a battle where Postal Workers threw pebbles and pieces of mail at university administrators on their way to catch the commuter trains from 30th Street Station.
After three hours in quarantine and an anthrax test, President Judith Rodin negotiated a cease-fire with the PLO. Rodin says that once under her control, she will agree with the concept of a postal homeland, although she brought no specifics to the negotiating table. "The new facilities to be constructed on this site will have the finest of mail rooms," Rodin said, "and will respect the storied history of these city blocks on the edge of this river of civilization."
The "War"
After an attack on American soil, the United States, led by a team of "experts" including President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld begin a war on Afghanistan after building a global coalition against Afghans. Bush initiates the war by taking all the afghans and comforters off his bed and lighting them on fire at a press conference in the Rose Garden. This is followed up by a military strike bent on destroying the Taliban.
After a successful war, the United States fails to capture bin Laden. After careful use of a Snapper 3000 lawnmower, bin Laden cuts off his beard and is hired by New Line Cinema as a special effects expert. He acquires a taste for American life and spends a month living in Los Angeles. He dies in late December 2001 after choking on a ham sandwich at a Subway in Los Feliz, California. "It was just like Mama Cass thirty years ago," said Condoleeza Rice, long-time manager of the Subway franchise.
Reading is Fundamental Disbands
After the release of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Bridget Jones' Diary, Americans stop reading books altogether. "Modern literature is shit anyway," said former First Lady Barbara Bush, who was the spokeswoman for RIF, "I don't know why anyone would pay 10 bucks and spend a week reading Bridget Jones' Diary. Spending two hours watching that crap is painful enough."
Random House Publishing will concentrate its business on the German and Spanish translations of the seven Harry Potter books. In a press release, Random House says, "We have decided to focus the print versions of the books to Europe and South America, as they will need practice before being faced with the subtitles in the movie."
Michael Jackson Makes an Ass of Himself
Refer back to Year in Review 1999, 1996, 1994, 1991 and 1986.
Penn Activists Don't Make a Difference
After spending a few days camping out on prime real estate, activists hoping to halt the bombing campaign in Afghanistan failed to change a damn thing. They spent three days on College Green, a whole four-minute walk from their classes and a daunting 40 feet from Van Pelt Library's e-mail, heating and bathrooms. Managing to irritate every faction of the Penn community, they eventually returned their tents and North Face jackets to EMS before the tags fell off. Said Brother Stephen about the protesters, "Jesus didn't have a tent."
Stouffer Dining Closes
Isn't it ironic that two years ago we were all on the verge of calling the Board of Health to close this place down, but now that it's gone, we feel a bit empty inside? I can still remember the days when there was nothing better than a hearty Stouffer midnight breakfast and it was still acceptable to urinate from your Upper Quad window. Stouffer is slated for demolition in the long-term future, but currently, it will provide a better shelter for the rats that reside there. "The salad bar is a nice touch," said one rat.
In other Stouffer news, Wawa reopened without a seated section or Pizza Hut express. We had tried to reach Vagabond Val for comment on the new Wawa layout, but she was away from her street corner.
