Right from the outset I had my doubts. First, we had to pay to get in, even though it was Sunday. A total of 85 cents — that's what they get for asking. Then the first three Specta Guards we approached refused to talk, except the one in front who yelled at us. Call it fate. Call it our unquenchable lust for old men with potty mouths. Whatever guided us to Vernon, we are in his debt forever. Meet Vernon Harmon, Philadelphia Museum of Art Specta Guard.
ANTHONY: So how much do these swords weigh?
VERNON: That depends. That one weighs 16 pounds, but it's a two-handed sword... You can tell by the size of the handle. It's the only way you could use it. A typical suit weighs less than 60 pounds. Not that heavy at all. Now they could be heavier, a lot heavier. This guy behind you (points to a suit) weighs 56 pounds, three ounces. That's not heavy at all.
ANTHONY: That's not heavy? …
VERNON: No. No, sir. You ever been in the military?
ANTHONY: No.
VERNON: No, you don't look like it. You don't look like you've ever been nowhere.
ANTHONY: Were you in the military?
VERNON: Yeah, I spent four years there and am I a brute? No.
LEE: So are you an expert in…
VERNON: No, I'm not an expert. I would not have the audacity to say that I am an expert. I've been standing here for three years. I gotta know something.
LEE: Well, I am impressed that you know, for instance, how much each suit weighs.
VERNON: I've been standing here for three years. I walk up and down. That's no big deal.
LEE: So have you always been in the same room?
VERNON: Yeah, I volunteered, no one else wanted it. They all said, "Get me the fuck outta there." Too many crazy people. Too many crazy adults insulting you, you know what I mean? The kids are noisy. They smack on the glass, and who do you think is responsible when it gets broke?
SCOTT: You are.
VERNON: The guard is, you're damn right.
LEE: So did you get to pick this room?
VERNON: Yeah, no one else wanted it.
LEE: This is the coolest room though.
VERNON: Coolest my ass. I'm telling you, not too many people could stand it… People are loud, they're talking.
ANTHONY: The kids probably get so excited about this place.
VERNON: And the parents are always saying [about their children], "Oh look, he's so tiny. He's so sweet, ain't he?" Sweet my ass. Everyone thinks it's sweet when it's their babies. I'm like, "Get the fuck outta here."
LEE: Do you have grandkids?
VERNON: Yes. My daughter is 41 years old… My son graduated [from college] 15 years ago. (Walks toward picture-taking patrons.) Excuse me, ma'am, no flash.
LEE: If you could pick a room which would you pick?
VERNON: I picked this one, I told you.
LEE: But you said it was because no one wanted it.
VERNON: But [in this room] I have a job. No one wants it.
LEE: Oh I see, job security.
VERNON: No one wants this room. I came for a job and said "Give me the worst room you got."
LEE: Do you spend time in the rest of the museum?
VERNON: No.
LEE: You don't walk around?
VERNON: No, I come right to my post.
LEE: So you aren't an art lover?
VERNON: No. I painted… landscapes, still lifes.
LEE: Really?
VERNON: The Pope Catholic? Of course. A bear shit in the woods?
ANTHONY: Do you get a lot of field trips through here?
VERNON: Oh God. Wait 'til the school year starts. Oh God.
ANTHONY: I picture it like Ferris Bueller's Day Off with a line of kids holding hands coming to see Vernon.
VERNON: If they have a mother instead of a school teacher or a guide, and she doesn't know what the hell she's doing. With 15 kids, (shakes his head), it's unbelievable.
LEE: Do they touch stuff?
VERNON: Yeah, that's why the glass is here. They touch stuff all the time. They try to get right in there.
ANTHONY: I bet they think people are actually in the armored suits.
VERNON: Sure they do, they want to know where the blood is. How come there is no blood? (Laughs.) We washed it off.
SCOTT: This is a cool room though.
VERNON: You don't have to stand here for eight hours.
LEE: There is a lot to see.
VERNON: There is a lot to see, yeah. I like it.
