Sheep stabbed in high school classroom -- Apparently, two sheep were in an agriculture classroom when two men entered, stabbed the sheep with a pitchfork and beat them. Which begs the question: Who the hell keeps sheep in a classroom? Propane truck burns for three days in New Jersey -- Said one stunned New Jersey resident, "Really? I hadn't noticed." Dining unveils new look and meal plans for next year -- "Students shouldn't worry, though," said President Rodin, "dining will undoubtedly still suck." Foot fetishist assaults women in New Hampshire parking lot -- He takes off their shoes and begins to lick their feet. HE TAKES OFF THEIR SHOES AND BEGINS TO LICK THEIR FEET. War -- You call that shock and awe? Please. My grandmother shocks and awes better than you. It just wouldn't be Streetbeats without a pedophile joke -- Charges were dropped against a 17-year-old who was charged with molestation after he took pictures of a 15-year-old dressed in women's underwear. That's your punchline. Because the joke was in the headline, where we joked about how we always... oh, forget it. Male stripper, in an argument with another male stripper, is hit by a car and thrown 90 feet to his death -- The driver was apparently distracted by the size of the... traffic light.

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